A Different Prayer
–
I think I’ve been praying for the wrong thing.
On hands and knees,
I begged for strength
thinking the problem was
that I needed to be stronger.
And life answered in lessons
that backed me into walls,
made me feel small.
Alone.
Unwanted.
Unloved.
Until I was left
gripping my chest,
eyes swollen and red,
staring at a broken girl in the mirror
who had no other choice
but to be…
strong.
And I wore each scar
like a badge of honor.
My language became one of survival.
I became fluent in:
I got this.
I don’t need anyone.
I’ve been through worse anyway.
I learned it well,
the grammar of goodbyes,
the vocabulary of letting go,
the violence of breaking in silence.
And so I prayed for more strength,
still believing the problem
was that I needed to be stronger.
But now…
I’m starting to wonder…
if maybe I need a different prayer.
Not one spoken in the tongue of endurance.
Not one negotiating the space
between survival and resilience.
A prayer for softness.
For a love that understands me
without translation.
For one that doesn’t leave me bracing to be left.
Or waiting to be chosen.
A prayer that lets me trust
that good can happen.
That good can stay.
Something that doesn’t make my chest tighten
at the thought of loss,
or flinch at what might come.
Arms that let me exhale-
fully,
without waiting
for the moment
it all disappears.
A love
that does not ask me
to prove I can survive it.
A love
that lets me put my strength down…
A love that stays.
-A. DJ <3
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